Top Five Victards

Okay, I admit to being a bit out of the loop. I know the Wolverines won a bunch of games.I know Steve had that awesome Rachel post. I know Paul continues to be great.

So Steve and Paul are in. But who should I nominate for the other three spots and why?

I'm taking nominations. GO.

An Ode to Jackwraith

I've been writing this blog for a few years now, on and off. I started it out of a fascination with Joe Mama. I would never have known who Joe Mama was if not for Jack, who had been copying and pasting his posts ever since the one about the brothel in Germany (it was Germany, wasn't it?) And I'd been saving them, mostly because I saved all Jack's emails to me. Souvenirs of his thoughts.

But I've never really written about Jack here. Too personal, I thought. He'd hate it.Jack announced on the board recently that he and I are calling it quits. So I decided that if he can tell of you that, then it must be okay for me to write about him.

You all know he's a pretty smart guy. He skipped two grades in school and graduated when he was 15. Then he got accepted to Michigan and graduated at 19. He had to permanently leave his parents' house when he was 16 due to some annoying family business that I won't share here. It's no wonder he relates to JM. They have stuff in common. Jack's been working really hard at trying to make me happy since we got married almost twelve years ago. But to do that, he did some things that didn't make him happy. The paradox is that I can't be happy living with him when he's not happy. There's a mathematical equation in here somewhere, and the result is Jack's a good guy.


Marriages, we've discovered, by watching all of yours and by living ours, are tricky things. They're a little like long bicycle races. You start out with a goal in mind. You believe in yourself and you believe you'll finish the race. But you don't know the course that first time out. You don't know the curves and the cliffs. You don't know how steep the hills will be. You can't imagine how great it will feel on the downhill stretches where you can let loose and gravity does all the work and you just have to hold on and steer.

Jack and I didn't realize that marriage requires endurance training and that if one of you wants to sit down and rest and the other doesn't, you can get pulled apart. In spite of the best intentions.

Jack and I will be friends forever. You only have to look at a picture of us on our wedding day to know it. I could say something corny now about how I think we'll eventually finish the race together. But I really don't know what happens now. I'll be around though. I don't see my life without him in it somehow.

From the old days... when Victards were Victards, and Joe Mama Had his Own Sexy Vacation Business...

I'm about to have an extra $50k lying around.

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 09:14:15 AM by C

My first impulse is to conduct a scientific experiment involving
Vegas, Strippers, Joe Mama, and three members of the Dallas Cowboys
Cheerleaders.

My second impulse is that I should probably invest it in something.
I'm a fairly vanilla type of investor. Index funds, blue chips, etc.

Can any of you financial types suggest a slightly more aggressive
approach? I'd like to get more than the 3.41% my money market is
currently yielding.

Alternatively, interesting ways to blow the money will be considered.

Thanks.

Pick me! Pick me!*

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 09:21:38 AM by Joe Mama

In the name of science...

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 09:24:06 AM by C

Could we have a good time in Toronto with $50k USD in cash?

Would Flower and her sidekick be wiling to hang for a weekend for some
portion of that amount?

Paging C...

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:08:49 AM by Joe Mama

I'm ball parking here but to give you some idea of what it could look like...

$50K USD = $59K CAD

Two suites at the 4 Seasons for the weekend = $2K
Sustenance (Food/Booze/Drugs) = $6K
Limo = $1K
*Very* Nice Rentals = $10K each for the weekend (x 4)
Strip Bars = $8K
Bail money = $2K

Lets do this shit.

JM, was it you or someone you knew that ending up spending a ton on booze in some Amsterdam/German whorehouse?

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 01:07:18 PM by CP

I thought you told a story about hooking up with some Euro-hookers and finding out they hit you up with some whacked out marked up booze.

If so, are you trying to recoup some of your losses at Counter's expense by marking up his "options"?

Also, do you have any brochures? Pics please.

Me - Germany - Well worth the...

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 01:51:32 PM by Joe Mama

money. The champagne was over priced but each bottle came with fantastic euro-box so my penis and I were easily able to justify the expense.

I'm not in this for the money bro. I'm a fucking soldier. I'm in it for the love of the game and the thrill of the vaginal arena.

No brochures yet - I'm working on it. As far as the place in Berlin, I've got no idea what it was called but I'll google it some time and if I can find the joint. Rest assured I'll let you know if I find it - I was in a fantastic grand room with animal skins and chandeliers and fake tits and champagne sex and "now kiss her" and everything!!! Yes, three damn exclamation points good!!! BELIEVE!!!

It was fucking awesome and when I type that I look like a white Eddie Murphy in Bowfinger. Awesome.


Man oh man. A couple of questions:

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 12:08:18 PM by C

1. Instead of 4 hotties at $10k each for the whole weekend, can we rotate 8 hotties at $5k?

2. Can we decrease the drug budget and increase the wine budget?

3. Do we really need the strip clubs with a rotating bevy of 8 hotties?

4. Will you take a check?

Answers:

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 12:15:35 PM by Joe Mama

1.Instead of 4 hotties at $10k each for the whole weekend, can we rotate 8 hotties at $5k?

Yes. $5k will get you a fantastic single night rental. I'm talking about selecting from what we like to refer to as the 'Charlie Sheen' menu.

2. Can we decrease the drug budget and increase the wine budget?

Of course! Our goal at Joe Mama Travel Tours is to ensure maximum customer satisfaction! On a personal note, I like this question a whole bunch - sounds like trouble! You should note, however, that 'Booze' includes not only wine with dinner, but beer and champagne (a must for every serious strip bar patron). But as I said, it's your special weekend, and we here at JMTT want to ensure your repeat business! At JMTT, your wish is our command!

3. Do we really need the strip clubs with a rotating bevy of 8 hotties?

No, it is entirely up to you. I thought rolling in to the strip club with a harem of hotties would be so money, but if you just want to lock yourself in your hotel room, so be it. Allow me to reiterate - at JMTT, your wish is our command! Still, who can deny the manliness of a man who strolls in to the club, to the VIP section, orders some Dom and kicks it with his eight hookers while $20/dance girls fight and claw for a piece of your wallet? Gotta admit - that's pretty fucking money.

4. Will you take a check?

No. Fucking. Way.

You are so close to getting this account.*

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 12:18:19 PM by C


What can I do to put you in a Canadian prostitute today?

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 12:25:47 PM by Joe Mama

Help me help you.

Could you set theses up for other posters as well?

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:17:34 AM by Alpo

That looks like something I need to do before I turn 40.

Oh ya.

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:35:18 AM by Joe Mama

And this was really top line OTTOMH stuff. Give me your fetishes and your price range and the duration of your stay and I'll come up with a total package based on your wants and needs. Of course, I include pricing for myself in your package. You don't want to leave your tour guide sitting in a hotel lobby while you play hide the snausage with multiple young things in a plush room. That's just uncouth, man. Upon acceptance of the agreement to use my services, I will provide an itemized list of all narcotics, dining options, adult bars and rentable women currently available, and I will ensure all expenses are billed with discretion. "Joe Mama Travel Tours" will appear on your credit card. Joe Mama will handle the details.

BELIEVE!

I certainly wouldn't want to take on sometrhing like that alone

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:49:23 AM by Alpo

If I ever get divorced I'm signing up for the deluxe package.

"Once in a lifetime experience!"

lol*

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:47:06 AM by Ken

Ken...

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:54:42 AM by Joe Mama

You've just lol'd yourself to a 5% discount on future services from Joe Mama Travel Tours! Congrats!

*This non-transferable offer expires when this post scrolls off the board

I'm going to copy and paste this to some HOF board someplace.*

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:56:49 AM by Ken

Ode to Football: Confessions of a Former Jock Hater

When I was growing up, my dad watched football every weekend during football season. And since we only had one TV, this meant that I basically couldn't watch anything but football during the main times when I normally watched TV. And I did NOT like to watch football.

I have some memories of important games. They don't involve what happened on screen, but seeing my dad and my brother jump up and dance around the living room after something good happened. I don't know what the hell it was, but it must have been amazing because I only saw that happen once. I also remember the chanting of 'Crush the Orgnge Crush' breaking my concentration as I tried to read Siddhartha.

In college, I never went to a football game and since I hung out with mostly non-Americans who liked soccer, I had a not so positive opinion of football culture.

It is only in recent years that I've developed an appreciation of college football and of college football players. I think it was Charles Woodson who did me in. Who could not be amazed at the strength, speed and endurance of the Heisman winner as he raced down the field, followed by half a dozen guys who couldn't catch him no matter how hard they tried? Or who could not swoon watching him leap into the air, much higher than any human should be able to jump straight up in perfect time to catch an odd, elliptical, should-be-incatchable ball flying through the air at high speed? (And it doesn't hurt that when this was caught on film, the moment when he was in the air with his hand stretched up to meet the ball, his shirt always lifted up enough to give us a glimpse of his belly.)

This is the difference between me and you, boys. I'll never feel like my ideintiry is tied up in how my team fares. I won't be horribly dejected if they lose. I mean, I don't want them to lose, but to me it's just a game. (It's only because Jack is horribly depressed that I go into hiding on game loss days. I think he might really be the Incredible Hulk. "Don't stay here if Michigan loses. You wouldn't like me when Michigan loses.")

But I do love to watch the players. Mike Hart dodging around, under, through the bigger, burlier guys, dragging them through the field like they don't weigh over two hundred pounds each. The man is a train with brains. Denard Robinson spinning out of the grasp of a small fortress composed of trained tacklers to break down the field and leave them all gasping in his wake. That sort of thing makes me cheer and laugh. That sort of thing makes me marvel at what it means to be human.

So, yeah. I don't really get it. But then again, maybe I do.

(How's that for banal, Mr. Give Us a Break? Jerk.)

Top Five Victards 2009

The last year of the decade. And shumway better come back for this. I know where he works. And Steve, too. He's a weather guy. How many weather guys named STEVE can there be? You're toast, man, unless you come back to the board.

This is more difficult than in years past because Jack never sends me posts anymore. Well, rarely. But I've heard a few things through the grapevine so here they are, the 2009 winners of the Joe Mama Award.

Fifth place is always the hardest for me, because if you're in fifth place, it means I probably wish I could put in a higher spot. I'm thinking about all the Victards I've never had on my list and how they contribute to the board's intellect, culture, humor, and coolness. Ultimately, have I heard their name mentioned a lot in discussions involving board posts? Well, withnail meets all these criteria. He's the peacemaker. He's thoughtful and gives interesting responses. Culture.

#5 withnail

In considering these same factors, I decided that I've way overlooked Ed in my previous years' selections. Is there anything that Ed's not interested in? He single-handedly (well, almost) makes the board aware of a vast array of issues. He must never stop reading. Thanks, Ed. I mean it.

#4 Ed

Last year, over JM's objections, I gave the number 1 slot to Steve. Of course, as Joe Mama pointed out, this only worked because the award is named for Joe Mama. Otherwise, JM would always have to be #1. But I can't give Steve the grand prize this year because WHERE IS HE? You can't drop out of board life and get first prize. You just can't. But I can give him third place. (I don't know. Third place.)

#3 Steve: weatherman to the stars

Now there are only two more spots to fill. This is when it gets tough. This is when, in the academy awards, they bring out a *special* award. And this year's *special* award goes to... Randy. Why? Because when I asked Jack about whether he was around and posting, he said, "Every day." And when I said, "And is he funny?" he said, "He's Randy." 'Nuff said.

INTRODUCING THE FIRST ANNUAL RANDY *SPECIAL* AWARD. 2009.To Randy.

So, now it's down to two guys that are always on my short list. Just not sure which way to order them. Rabbit and jj. Rabbit is both smart and funny. So is jj. Rabbit has an ironic sense of humor. So does jj. Rabbit is a total liberal and so is jj... wait... Isn't jj some kind of Libertarian? jj, did I ever tell you about the discussion I had with a Libertarian candidate for city council who said, "if I want to work for five cents an hour, I should be able to." Now isn't that the logical end of that kind of 'no governmental regulation' argument. You know what my reply was to him? What if you don't want to work for five cents an hour?

#2 jj--cool but ... come to the dark side, jj. Come to the dark side.

Which leaves Rabbit as my number 1 pick. If you look in the dictionary under 'droll' you'll see Rabbit's picture. No, really.

#1- Rabbit: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

The Doctor is In

To Rabbit: The cause of and solution to all of life's problems. Oh wait. That's alcohol... but still.

My understanding is that studies that look at vitamin eating show no benefit.

Posted on October 22, 2009 at 11:30:28 AM by Rabbit

I haven't done the study, but if you took 5,000 people who drank v8
all day and matched them up with 5,000 who drank grape juice all day,
then followed them forever, they would all die alone about the same
time roughly, with similar regrets and the same dread.

OG: It's not just for Original Ganster anymore

Ever seen an Olive Garden commercial? You know, that Italian restaurant thingie?
That latest one has these people telling the waitress they're in the mood for "something different." Immediately, I yelled at them (though I'm sure they couldn't hear me), "Why are you at the Olive Garden then? Hello!"

I went on frowning at this commercial every time I saw it (which admittedly is not that often since I almost never watch TV) until yesterday when Jack reads me a little thread off the board.
_____________________

Does Olive Garden make the most consistently non-funny commercials on tv?*
Posted on October 29, 2008 at 09:15:28 PM by mjhollen

I think they're unintentionally brilliant. I laugh at all of them, and eagerly look forward to each new one...
Posted on October 29, 2008 at 09:25:24 PM by jjwalker

...from the tortured dialogue to the retarded punchline to the token black guy in the circle of white friends (always in a pastel-colored golf shirt for extra-nonthreatening-ness) to especially the weirdly manic pacing, I love those ads. I not only picture what kind of morons at the ad agency and at Olive Garden conceived and approved the ads, I also think that there must be people who legitimately laugh at the punchlines. Then I think that those people are almost certainly voters, but I still laugh.

_________________________________

jj is a philosopher the likes of which we haven't seen since, I don't know, Nietzsche?