From the old days... when Victards were Victards, and Joe Mama Had his Own Sexy Vacation Business...

I'm about to have an extra $50k lying around.

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 09:14:15 AM by C

My first impulse is to conduct a scientific experiment involving
Vegas, Strippers, Joe Mama, and three members of the Dallas Cowboys
Cheerleaders.

My second impulse is that I should probably invest it in something.
I'm a fairly vanilla type of investor. Index funds, blue chips, etc.

Can any of you financial types suggest a slightly more aggressive
approach? I'd like to get more than the 3.41% my money market is
currently yielding.

Alternatively, interesting ways to blow the money will be considered.

Thanks.

Pick me! Pick me!*

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 09:21:38 AM by Joe Mama

In the name of science...

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 09:24:06 AM by C

Could we have a good time in Toronto with $50k USD in cash?

Would Flower and her sidekick be wiling to hang for a weekend for some
portion of that amount?

Paging C...

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:08:49 AM by Joe Mama

I'm ball parking here but to give you some idea of what it could look like...

$50K USD = $59K CAD

Two suites at the 4 Seasons for the weekend = $2K
Sustenance (Food/Booze/Drugs) = $6K
Limo = $1K
*Very* Nice Rentals = $10K each for the weekend (x 4)
Strip Bars = $8K
Bail money = $2K

Lets do this shit.

JM, was it you or someone you knew that ending up spending a ton on booze in some Amsterdam/German whorehouse?

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 01:07:18 PM by CP

I thought you told a story about hooking up with some Euro-hookers and finding out they hit you up with some whacked out marked up booze.

If so, are you trying to recoup some of your losses at Counter's expense by marking up his "options"?

Also, do you have any brochures? Pics please.

Me - Germany - Well worth the...

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 01:51:32 PM by Joe Mama

money. The champagne was over priced but each bottle came with fantastic euro-box so my penis and I were easily able to justify the expense.

I'm not in this for the money bro. I'm a fucking soldier. I'm in it for the love of the game and the thrill of the vaginal arena.

No brochures yet - I'm working on it. As far as the place in Berlin, I've got no idea what it was called but I'll google it some time and if I can find the joint. Rest assured I'll let you know if I find it - I was in a fantastic grand room with animal skins and chandeliers and fake tits and champagne sex and "now kiss her" and everything!!! Yes, three damn exclamation points good!!! BELIEVE!!!

It was fucking awesome and when I type that I look like a white Eddie Murphy in Bowfinger. Awesome.


Man oh man. A couple of questions:

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 12:08:18 PM by C

1. Instead of 4 hotties at $10k each for the whole weekend, can we rotate 8 hotties at $5k?

2. Can we decrease the drug budget and increase the wine budget?

3. Do we really need the strip clubs with a rotating bevy of 8 hotties?

4. Will you take a check?

Answers:

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 12:15:35 PM by Joe Mama

1.Instead of 4 hotties at $10k each for the whole weekend, can we rotate 8 hotties at $5k?

Yes. $5k will get you a fantastic single night rental. I'm talking about selecting from what we like to refer to as the 'Charlie Sheen' menu.

2. Can we decrease the drug budget and increase the wine budget?

Of course! Our goal at Joe Mama Travel Tours is to ensure maximum customer satisfaction! On a personal note, I like this question a whole bunch - sounds like trouble! You should note, however, that 'Booze' includes not only wine with dinner, but beer and champagne (a must for every serious strip bar patron). But as I said, it's your special weekend, and we here at JMTT want to ensure your repeat business! At JMTT, your wish is our command!

3. Do we really need the strip clubs with a rotating bevy of 8 hotties?

No, it is entirely up to you. I thought rolling in to the strip club with a harem of hotties would be so money, but if you just want to lock yourself in your hotel room, so be it. Allow me to reiterate - at JMTT, your wish is our command! Still, who can deny the manliness of a man who strolls in to the club, to the VIP section, orders some Dom and kicks it with his eight hookers while $20/dance girls fight and claw for a piece of your wallet? Gotta admit - that's pretty fucking money.

4. Will you take a check?

No. Fucking. Way.

You are so close to getting this account.*

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 12:18:19 PM by C


What can I do to put you in a Canadian prostitute today?

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 12:25:47 PM by Joe Mama

Help me help you.

Could you set theses up for other posters as well?

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:17:34 AM by Alpo

That looks like something I need to do before I turn 40.

Oh ya.

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:35:18 AM by Joe Mama

And this was really top line OTTOMH stuff. Give me your fetishes and your price range and the duration of your stay and I'll come up with a total package based on your wants and needs. Of course, I include pricing for myself in your package. You don't want to leave your tour guide sitting in a hotel lobby while you play hide the snausage with multiple young things in a plush room. That's just uncouth, man. Upon acceptance of the agreement to use my services, I will provide an itemized list of all narcotics, dining options, adult bars and rentable women currently available, and I will ensure all expenses are billed with discretion. "Joe Mama Travel Tours" will appear on your credit card. Joe Mama will handle the details.

BELIEVE!

I certainly wouldn't want to take on sometrhing like that alone

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:49:23 AM by Alpo

If I ever get divorced I'm signing up for the deluxe package.

"Once in a lifetime experience!"

lol*

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:47:06 AM by Ken

Ken...

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:54:42 AM by Joe Mama

You've just lol'd yourself to a 5% discount on future services from Joe Mama Travel Tours! Congrats!

*This non-transferable offer expires when this post scrolls off the board

I'm going to copy and paste this to some HOF board someplace.*

Posted on September 27, 2005 at 11:56:49 AM by Ken

Ode to Football: Confessions of a Former Jock Hater

When I was growing up, my dad watched football every weekend during football season. And since we only had one TV, this meant that I basically couldn't watch anything but football during the main times when I normally watched TV. And I did NOT like to watch football.

I have some memories of important games. They don't involve what happened on screen, but seeing my dad and my brother jump up and dance around the living room after something good happened. I don't know what the hell it was, but it must have been amazing because I only saw that happen once. I also remember the chanting of 'Crush the Orgnge Crush' breaking my concentration as I tried to read Siddhartha.

In college, I never went to a football game and since I hung out with mostly non-Americans who liked soccer, I had a not so positive opinion of football culture.

It is only in recent years that I've developed an appreciation of college football and of college football players. I think it was Charles Woodson who did me in. Who could not be amazed at the strength, speed and endurance of the Heisman winner as he raced down the field, followed by half a dozen guys who couldn't catch him no matter how hard they tried? Or who could not swoon watching him leap into the air, much higher than any human should be able to jump straight up in perfect time to catch an odd, elliptical, should-be-incatchable ball flying through the air at high speed? (And it doesn't hurt that when this was caught on film, the moment when he was in the air with his hand stretched up to meet the ball, his shirt always lifted up enough to give us a glimpse of his belly.)

This is the difference between me and you, boys. I'll never feel like my ideintiry is tied up in how my team fares. I won't be horribly dejected if they lose. I mean, I don't want them to lose, but to me it's just a game. (It's only because Jack is horribly depressed that I go into hiding on game loss days. I think he might really be the Incredible Hulk. "Don't stay here if Michigan loses. You wouldn't like me when Michigan loses.")

But I do love to watch the players. Mike Hart dodging around, under, through the bigger, burlier guys, dragging them through the field like they don't weigh over two hundred pounds each. The man is a train with brains. Denard Robinson spinning out of the grasp of a small fortress composed of trained tacklers to break down the field and leave them all gasping in his wake. That sort of thing makes me cheer and laugh. That sort of thing makes me marvel at what it means to be human.

So, yeah. I don't really get it. But then again, maybe I do.

(How's that for banal, Mr. Give Us a Break? Jerk.)

Top Five Victards 2009

The last year of the decade. And shumway better come back for this. I know where he works. And Steve, too. He's a weather guy. How many weather guys named STEVE can there be? You're toast, man, unless you come back to the board.

This is more difficult than in years past because Jack never sends me posts anymore. Well, rarely. But I've heard a few things through the grapevine so here they are, the 2009 winners of the Joe Mama Award.

Fifth place is always the hardest for me, because if you're in fifth place, it means I probably wish I could put in a higher spot. I'm thinking about all the Victards I've never had on my list and how they contribute to the board's intellect, culture, humor, and coolness. Ultimately, have I heard their name mentioned a lot in discussions involving board posts? Well, withnail meets all these criteria. He's the peacemaker. He's thoughtful and gives interesting responses. Culture.

#5 withnail

In considering these same factors, I decided that I've way overlooked Ed in my previous years' selections. Is there anything that Ed's not interested in? He single-handedly (well, almost) makes the board aware of a vast array of issues. He must never stop reading. Thanks, Ed. I mean it.

#4 Ed

Last year, over JM's objections, I gave the number 1 slot to Steve. Of course, as Joe Mama pointed out, this only worked because the award is named for Joe Mama. Otherwise, JM would always have to be #1. But I can't give Steve the grand prize this year because WHERE IS HE? You can't drop out of board life and get first prize. You just can't. But I can give him third place. (I don't know. Third place.)

#3 Steve: weatherman to the stars

Now there are only two more spots to fill. This is when it gets tough. This is when, in the academy awards, they bring out a *special* award. And this year's *special* award goes to... Randy. Why? Because when I asked Jack about whether he was around and posting, he said, "Every day." And when I said, "And is he funny?" he said, "He's Randy." 'Nuff said.

INTRODUCING THE FIRST ANNUAL RANDY *SPECIAL* AWARD. 2009.To Randy.

So, now it's down to two guys that are always on my short list. Just not sure which way to order them. Rabbit and jj. Rabbit is both smart and funny. So is jj. Rabbit has an ironic sense of humor. So does jj. Rabbit is a total liberal and so is jj... wait... Isn't jj some kind of Libertarian? jj, did I ever tell you about the discussion I had with a Libertarian candidate for city council who said, "if I want to work for five cents an hour, I should be able to." Now isn't that the logical end of that kind of 'no governmental regulation' argument. You know what my reply was to him? What if you don't want to work for five cents an hour?

#2 jj--cool but ... come to the dark side, jj. Come to the dark side.

Which leaves Rabbit as my number 1 pick. If you look in the dictionary under 'droll' you'll see Rabbit's picture. No, really.

#1- Rabbit: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

The Doctor is In

To Rabbit: The cause of and solution to all of life's problems. Oh wait. That's alcohol... but still.

My understanding is that studies that look at vitamin eating show no benefit.

Posted on October 22, 2009 at 11:30:28 AM by Rabbit

I haven't done the study, but if you took 5,000 people who drank v8
all day and matched them up with 5,000 who drank grape juice all day,
then followed them forever, they would all die alone about the same
time roughly, with similar regrets and the same dread.

OG: It's not just for Original Ganster anymore

Ever seen an Olive Garden commercial? You know, that Italian restaurant thingie?
That latest one has these people telling the waitress they're in the mood for "something different." Immediately, I yelled at them (though I'm sure they couldn't hear me), "Why are you at the Olive Garden then? Hello!"

I went on frowning at this commercial every time I saw it (which admittedly is not that often since I almost never watch TV) until yesterday when Jack reads me a little thread off the board.
_____________________

Does Olive Garden make the most consistently non-funny commercials on tv?*
Posted on October 29, 2008 at 09:15:28 PM by mjhollen

I think they're unintentionally brilliant. I laugh at all of them, and eagerly look forward to each new one...
Posted on October 29, 2008 at 09:25:24 PM by jjwalker

...from the tortured dialogue to the retarded punchline to the token black guy in the circle of white friends (always in a pastel-colored golf shirt for extra-nonthreatening-ness) to especially the weirdly manic pacing, I love those ads. I not only picture what kind of morons at the ad agency and at Olive Garden conceived and approved the ads, I also think that there must be people who legitimately laugh at the punchlines. Then I think that those people are almost certainly voters, but I still laugh.

_________________________________

jj is a philosopher the likes of which we haven't seen since, I don't know, Nietzsche?

Get up, stand up, come on throw your hands up!

It has recently come to my attention that one of the newer board members called one of the older board members "Haji."

Here's where I draw the line.

I lived in southeast Texas as a child. There was a lot of racism there. It was hard to miss. When I was six years old and playing on a playground, I saw a boy go to a teacher and tell her that another child had called him the n word. The teacher's response was to look slightly confused and say, "Well, you are one." I was a little kid and I knew that there was something wrong with this. I knew that when kids used that word, it was a bad name. I knew it by the mocking tone it was said in. I knew it because it made my stomach hurt. I think about that episode to this day because I know how it affected me. It made me aware of race at the same moment it made me aware of racism. What I don't know is how it affected that little boy. I wonder about him, about how he grew up, about where he is and who he is right now.

I do everything in my power to avoid allowing myself the opportunity to be biased against people for things that are a part of their genetic code. Our genes are not within our control. And I'm not looking forward to the day in some potential future when humans can decide if their children will be born with their features, eye color, hair color, hair texture or be blond and blue-eyed. To me, doing away with our differences is like saying all flowers should be roses. OK, roses are nice. But I really love violets, gardenias, lavendar, buttercups, irises.... Or that all restaurants should be Taco Bell. Excuse me, I'll be starting a revolution. Where's my paint gun?

I want to address the person or persons who may have made a racial or ethnic remark on the board. Perhaps it was an innocent mistake. Maybe it seemed innocuous to you.

Let me assure you, it's not just a harmless joke.

Take a look at this: Asian plastic surgery.

Here we have proof that a whole ethnic group is going to extremes to try to look less like their ancestors and more like the other guys. Just contemplate that for a minute. There are whole plastic surgery practices that cater to this kind of surgery.

Suppose that you are an average attractive member of the human race. And probably you are. And then suppose that the society you live in makes you feel like you need to change some crucial aspects of your appearance. Like the already beautiful shape of your eyes, the already perfect size of your nose, the already miraculous color of your skin. And suppose this cultural pressure is so intense that you or people like you are willing to pay thousands of dollars to have someone cut your face up and manipulate it to look like some alleged "ideal." No matter how you feel about plastic surgery in general, plastic surgery to not look like a member of your own race should strike you as frightening. Don't think about it with regard to someone else's race, though. Right now, I want you to think about it with regard to your own race. With regard to you personally. Suppose that this ideal was the tall, thin Black African? Suppose that this ideal had straight, black hair and brown skin? Suppose this ideal had almond shaped eyes without a fold in the eyelids? Suppose you had to spend your entire life wondering whether everyone who looked at you was judging you because you are not that?

Those "harmless" racial epithets that you so glibly type from the anonymity of your computer keyboard help to make people feel uncomfortable in their own skins. And they don't make you look very good, either.

For what it's worth the word 'haji' refers to a Muslim who has made pilgrimmage to Mecca. I'm pretty sure that's not what you were implying, though.

How does a socially clueless person know what's ok to say and what isn't? Well, first of all, find a trusted friend, preferably not a racist, and ask. Hopefully not loudly at a restaurant or ON AN INTERNET MESSAGE BOARD. In this seemingly enlightened day and age, you might need to preface it by something like, "I'm not sure what the politically correct ethnic name is for someone of .... ancestry." But here's a rule of thumb: if it's a label that has anything to do with race and you don't know for a fact that it's okay to use, then just DON'T. FUCKING. SAY. IT. If you are saying it with regard to the person's race or ethnicity, even if you think it won't be offensive, think twice. Self-censorship is useful in this situation. Because why do you need to call anyone a name, even out of anger or frustration, that has anything to do with their ancestry? It is not their ancestry but their actions which might be bothering you. Why don't you just call them a name that has to do with their personal problem? Dickhead, for example. There's a good name.

And if you are saying it about someone else, it's going to be equally offensive. Because what it says about you is that you are willing to judge people for something besides WHO they are. It says that you are not tolerant. And those of us, the increasing majority of the world, who are somewhat more enlightened will not want to be around you.

What really gets me about this whole situation is that the internet, being anonymous for the most part, is an equalizer. It allows you to get to know people for who they are, not what they are. But somehow you managed to take your prejudice all the way through hundreds of miles of distance and your own computer screen and this Victard's to attack him about an ethnicity that you can only imagine. This strikes me as a rather serious problem.

My suggestion is that you seek immediate help.

JM's Living Will

In case he's ever in a Schiavo situation:

I think you should be allowed to die in a case like this.

Posted on March 21, 2005 at 02:12:05 PM by Joe Mama

And since I have no will, I'd like to ask Danny to put the following in his files should I ever enter a permanent vegetative state:

I, Joe Mama, kindly ask that some-fucking-body doses me up for a few weeks with the best damned recreational drugs that science has yet created, in acknowledgment of the possibility that I might get some last measure of serene enjoyment. After that, unplug the feeding tube and let me pass. Sweet. Thanks!

Gifting Strategy for Spouses

By Counter, the pre-eminent authority on relationships, both real and ex post facto:

Here goes:
Posted on December 20, 2007 at 09:46:21 AM by Counter

I'm glad you asked! I'm an expert on relationships from dating to
courting to engagement to marriage to annoyance to hatred to brief
reconciliation to divorce to ex-sex. Here's what you do:

1. Ransack the house and find the gift she got you. Determine exactly how much it cost her. Put it back carefully.

2. Buy yourself something that costs roughly 3 times the amount that she spent. This is important: You have to make it something practical that you want, but also that you needed. It can't be a frivolous gift. Hide this gift well.

3. Buy her something that costs half what she spent on your gift. This is important: It has to be over-the-top thoughtful. It has to be instantly recognizable as something that you would only get her if you had been paying careful attention and focused on her every word. Her first reaction must be "Wow. He was listening after all."

4. On Christmas Eve wrap the gift that you got yourself and hide it
way in back behind the tree. It needs to be the last present opened.

5. On Christmas morning, make sure you open her gift to you first (you already know what it is, so fake surprise.) Say that you love it and that it was very thoughtful (although hopefully it wasn't.)

6. Give her her gift from you. Note the initial excitement as she
recognizes that it is such a thoughtful gift.

7. This is the big payoff: Revel in that moment when you see that she is doing the mental price comparison and notes that youor
extra-thoughtful gift cost half that of the one she got you. Rejoice in knowing tht she has to stifle those thoughts and the urge to mention it because if she does, she'll explicitly reveal that she did the calculation and that the $$ spent means more than the relative thoughtfulness of the gifts. Accept her thanks, knowing it's driving her fucking crazy.

8. When all the other presents are opened, get the one you got
yourself. Read the card, which says "To Craig, from Santa." Open it
and exclaim how great it is, that you needed it, and that it was very thoughtful of Santa to think of you. Pretend not to know where it came from.

9. Later, when it's just the two of you, mutter softly under your
breath: "who has the upper hand now?" When she asks you "what" say "I was just thinking about how much I liked your gift. Thanks."

10. Bask in your newfound household supremacy.
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