Joe Mama is a Tease
He probably would say he isn't, but Joe Mama is such a tease.
After promising for months that he would meet me on September 2, during which time I used the forecast date as motivation for everything from working out to buying sexy clothes, Joe Mama stood me up.
OK,to be honest, he probably didn't even know he was going to meet me. He undoubtedly had no way of knowing that I had crazily glommed on to his anticipated visit as an excuse to spend a lot of money, buy a new bikini, exercise when I didn't feel like it and stand naked in front of a mirror pretty regularly trying to figure out what he would think of me. (Ok, I made that last part up, but the rest is all true.)
I know what you're thinking. Who the hell is Joe Mama?
Joe Mama, clearly not his real name, is this guy who posts on the Victor's Board. I was introduced to his posts over a year ago by someone who reads the board regularly. At first, I admit, I was somewhat horrified. Because Joe Mama totally objectifies women all the time. He judges them on their exteriors. He thinks about fucking pretty much every reasonably hot woman he sees. And I've never read anything from him about a woman's mind. Not even his girlfriend/Mrs. Mama. Of course, he's fronting for a bunch of testerone-filled football fans, so maybe this is not too surprising.But on the otherhand, no one else on the board really does it, or at least not in the same way.
He clearly likes fake women. From big fake boobs (as long as they are not clown-like) to long fake fingernails, he likes the fake stuff. He likes blondes, brunettes, and redheads, real or fake. He likes women with "no hips". And no pubic hair.
He likes anal sex. He likes porn. He smokes. He has apparently done a lot of drugs and had a lot of sex and had a lot of sex while on drugs. He's Canadian.
So yeah, in the beginning, I was like, please don't tell me about this guy because he is just sick. But then he grew on me. You will think I am kidding here, but actually I'm not.
Why would I like him? Well, he has an interesting turn of phrase. He says things like, in the context of discussing what a safe means of communicating with Selma Hayek would be that would not cause infidelity (in person was ruled out, by phone, instant message was suggested): "Chick could morse code my ass and I'd be on a plane in under 13 minutes."
He tells hilarious stories about sleeping in a girl's closet for weeks when he was 14. He reveals embarrassing information about himself that few men would cop to. He admits he's a flawed human being while still coming across as cool.
But here's the big kicker. This either highlights a problem in the way our society indoctrinates women, or just my own personal glitch. He is hard to impress in terms of beautiful women. So the attraction, totally selfish, as a woman is to see if you can impress him.
It's just the challenge of the thing. And also the mystery. Like who is this guy that he can be such a harsh critic of women? My boss bet me five dollars that he was not cute. One of my good friends thinks he probably weights 300 pounds. The world was waiting with bated breath for the day when he was supposed to appear here for a football game. But then he cancelled, promising the possibility of another date--EMU which just passed, or Penn State, which is October 15th. (See what I mean? He's a tease.)
I had even picked out what I would wear...
After promising for months that he would meet me on September 2, during which time I used the forecast date as motivation for everything from working out to buying sexy clothes, Joe Mama stood me up.
OK,to be honest, he probably didn't even know he was going to meet me. He undoubtedly had no way of knowing that I had crazily glommed on to his anticipated visit as an excuse to spend a lot of money, buy a new bikini, exercise when I didn't feel like it and stand naked in front of a mirror pretty regularly trying to figure out what he would think of me. (Ok, I made that last part up, but the rest is all true.)
I know what you're thinking. Who the hell is Joe Mama?
Joe Mama, clearly not his real name, is this guy who posts on the Victor's Board. I was introduced to his posts over a year ago by someone who reads the board regularly. At first, I admit, I was somewhat horrified. Because Joe Mama totally objectifies women all the time. He judges them on their exteriors. He thinks about fucking pretty much every reasonably hot woman he sees. And I've never read anything from him about a woman's mind. Not even his girlfriend/Mrs. Mama. Of course, he's fronting for a bunch of testerone-filled football fans, so maybe this is not too surprising.But on the otherhand, no one else on the board really does it, or at least not in the same way.
He clearly likes fake women. From big fake boobs (as long as they are not clown-like) to long fake fingernails, he likes the fake stuff. He likes blondes, brunettes, and redheads, real or fake. He likes women with "no hips". And no pubic hair.
He likes anal sex. He likes porn. He smokes. He has apparently done a lot of drugs and had a lot of sex and had a lot of sex while on drugs. He's Canadian.
So yeah, in the beginning, I was like, please don't tell me about this guy because he is just sick. But then he grew on me. You will think I am kidding here, but actually I'm not.
Why would I like him? Well, he has an interesting turn of phrase. He says things like, in the context of discussing what a safe means of communicating with Selma Hayek would be that would not cause infidelity (in person was ruled out, by phone, instant message was suggested): "Chick could morse code my ass and I'd be on a plane in under 13 minutes."
He tells hilarious stories about sleeping in a girl's closet for weeks when he was 14. He reveals embarrassing information about himself that few men would cop to. He admits he's a flawed human being while still coming across as cool.
But here's the big kicker. This either highlights a problem in the way our society indoctrinates women, or just my own personal glitch. He is hard to impress in terms of beautiful women. So the attraction, totally selfish, as a woman is to see if you can impress him.
It's just the challenge of the thing. And also the mystery. Like who is this guy that he can be such a harsh critic of women? My boss bet me five dollars that he was not cute. One of my good friends thinks he probably weights 300 pounds. The world was waiting with bated breath for the day when he was supposed to appear here for a football game. But then he cancelled, promising the possibility of another date--EMU which just passed, or Penn State, which is October 15th. (See what I mean? He's a tease.)
I had even picked out what I would wear...
posted by Salomé at 10:05 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home