Being that it's Sunday...
'Intelligent design' was a hot topic on the board over the summer. Hey, they've got to talk about something in the off season.
Here is my theory:
Posted on August 4, 2005 at 02:19:48 PM by Joe Mama
A giant (and I'm talking off the charts HUGE) thing, like a man but mixed with a six-legged ferret with things that look like paper clips for genitals, took a big dump. It wasn't a log, but rather a cluster of rabbit-like poo. Think popcorn or grapes or something. Ya, like a bunch of grapes. 9 grapes. The giant thing (which I call "Bill", btw) wiped his ass and moved on.
Over time, those poo-grapes, if you will, separated in to 9 or so different chunks, what you ppl like to call "planets". These chucks of crap circle the bowl, in the centre of which is an undigested pepper. Like a chili pepper, but waaay hotter and bigger. Such a potent pepper you can't even look directly in to it lest you fuck up your retina.
The asteroids and stuff are just ass-dust, like when you have soft stool that kinda dusts right off the log and cloud up the bowl when you flush? Exactly like that.
Recently, the Hubble telescope discovered about 100 more planets outside our "solar system" (which, IMO, is like a toilet bowl - other solar systems are also bowls, the universe being one huge bathroom) but these are simply more poo-grapes in other toilet bowls that have broken off from the bunch and are now floating in their respective toilet bowls (or "solar systems")
OK, so we've got the planets and the sun and the solar system (shit, pepper and the bowl).
So how did we, Bill's greatest gift, get here?
Well, there were lots of bacteria and stuff on the turds, as one might expect. Unbeknownst to Bill and his race of giant man/6-armed ferret/paperclip things, the bacteria were deadly. Bill's race was not one for washing their 6 hands after using the cosmic facilities. As a result, the entire species contracted shigellosis and died. That's why our bowl has never been flushed (thank Bill).
OK, now the poo-grapes are circling, right? And they came out of Bill real hot and steamy, but cooled over time. Then the bacterium that was on them started morphing and banging and pretty much party like it is 1999 . As a result of numerous "my chocolate in your peanut better" events, the cells mutated and grew in to things we now call "stuff". Stuff is crap like plants (or "vegetation" if you PhD's prefer) and
junk. Then more stuff happened. Little amoeba-type fuckers grew legs and mouths and – BOOM goes the dynamite – little cheap ass dinosaurs were born. They fucked like rabbits (which didn't evolve for a long time - ironic?) and gave birth to other mutant dinosaurs, thus creating other species. These animals roamed the ass grape we call "Earth" for millions of years. Remember, this was a big shit Bill dropped. So where are the dinosaurs now?
One day, a big ass fly was in the cosmic can when he landed on our turd, and it disturbed our grape and changed it forever. It was a really, really big fly. Fuck Jeff Goldblum, this fucker was like the size of Hawaii. The disruption was felt far and wide. Nothing on the poo-grape survived the impact. Except some more amoeba type shit,which, like roaches, never fucking die. They mutated, again, and ultimately through a series of cross-species fucking, resulted in man as we know it. Why do you think old cave types were so hairy? It was fly hair, *just like Jeff fucking Goldblum*. No joke. Over time, our ancestors shed their fly fur and started walking erect, chasing tail,and avoiding Red Lobster at all cost.
Now, I would like to see this taught in schools.
Here is my theory:
Posted on August 4, 2005 at 02:19:48 PM by Joe Mama
A giant (and I'm talking off the charts HUGE) thing, like a man but mixed with a six-legged ferret with things that look like paper clips for genitals, took a big dump. It wasn't a log, but rather a cluster of rabbit-like poo. Think popcorn or grapes or something. Ya, like a bunch of grapes. 9 grapes. The giant thing (which I call "Bill", btw) wiped his ass and moved on.
Over time, those poo-grapes, if you will, separated in to 9 or so different chunks, what you ppl like to call "planets". These chucks of crap circle the bowl, in the centre of which is an undigested pepper. Like a chili pepper, but waaay hotter and bigger. Such a potent pepper you can't even look directly in to it lest you fuck up your retina.
The asteroids and stuff are just ass-dust, like when you have soft stool that kinda dusts right off the log and cloud up the bowl when you flush? Exactly like that.
Recently, the Hubble telescope discovered about 100 more planets outside our "solar system" (which, IMO, is like a toilet bowl - other solar systems are also bowls, the universe being one huge bathroom) but these are simply more poo-grapes in other toilet bowls that have broken off from the bunch and are now floating in their respective toilet bowls (or "solar systems")
OK, so we've got the planets and the sun and the solar system (shit, pepper and the bowl).
So how did we, Bill's greatest gift, get here?
Well, there were lots of bacteria and stuff on the turds, as one might expect. Unbeknownst to Bill and his race of giant man/6-armed ferret/paperclip things, the bacteria were deadly. Bill's race was not one for washing their 6 hands after using the cosmic facilities. As a result, the entire species contracted shigellosis and died. That's why our bowl has never been flushed (thank Bill).
OK, now the poo-grapes are circling, right? And they came out of Bill real hot and steamy, but cooled over time. Then the bacterium that was on them started morphing and banging and pretty much party like it is 1999 . As a result of numerous "my chocolate in your peanut better" events, the cells mutated and grew in to things we now call "stuff". Stuff is crap like plants (or "vegetation" if you PhD's prefer) and
junk. Then more stuff happened. Little amoeba-type fuckers grew legs and mouths and – BOOM goes the dynamite – little cheap ass dinosaurs were born. They fucked like rabbits (which didn't evolve for a long time - ironic?) and gave birth to other mutant dinosaurs, thus creating other species. These animals roamed the ass grape we call "Earth" for millions of years. Remember, this was a big shit Bill dropped. So where are the dinosaurs now?
One day, a big ass fly was in the cosmic can when he landed on our turd, and it disturbed our grape and changed it forever. It was a really, really big fly. Fuck Jeff Goldblum, this fucker was like the size of Hawaii. The disruption was felt far and wide. Nothing on the poo-grape survived the impact. Except some more amoeba type shit,which, like roaches, never fucking die. They mutated, again, and ultimately through a series of cross-species fucking, resulted in man as we know it. Why do you think old cave types were so hairy? It was fly hair, *just like Jeff fucking Goldblum*. No joke. Over time, our ancestors shed their fly fur and started walking erect, chasing tail,and avoiding Red Lobster at all cost.
Now, I would like to see this taught in schools.
posted by Salomé at 8:28 AM
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