Interview with Joe Mama: Part II
Continued from Part I:
Salome: What's an evening like at your house, a typical evening?
Joe Mama: Boring as shit. Embarrassingly boring. Pathetically "OMG I'm becoming my dad!" boring. I'm 32 and basically married. I get home, get high, watch the news, eat, maybe watch some TV, maybe read something, and maybe fuck around on the computer. I've really done a terrific job of bailing on my social life the last couple years. Sad.
Salome: You have a girlfriend who you refer to as Mrs. Mama on the board. How long have you been together?
Joe Mama: I’ve been with her for 5 years.
Salome: How did you propose to her?
Joe Mama: Not very well. No great story or anything.
Salome: What's your favorite food--besides bacon?
Joe Mama: Whatever I eat, it has to have meat somewhere on the plate. That's not even an option. My favorite things to eat are served in restaurants I can't afford but go to anyway.
Salome: Do you cook?
Joe Mama: Yes. I like cooking, although I typically only do on weekends. Did the Spaghetti Carbonara last night btw – killer.
Salome: You've described a number of sexual experiences you had as a teenager. This doesn't seem typical. Tell me about how this happened. Describe your life between the ages of say, 12 and 17. What took you down this path?
Joe Mama: I don't know how it happened. I was always in to sex and girls before my friends. I was always curious. I had weird -- very weird -- experiences as early as kindergarten and even though I had no idea what sex was, there was something just magnetic about girls for as long as I can remember.
As well, I always gravitated towards older kids. I was always the "young" kid amongst my buddies (a rotating cast of retreds and mutants) so when they were necking and feeling their first tit (over the bra, under the shirt if they were lucky) so was I even though they were 14 and I was 11 and I was with 14 year old girls who did things 11 year old girls didn't.
And I've just always dug chicks. When I was 6, I had Mrs. Dolman as a teacher in the first grade and I'd flirt with her like mad. She was the Lonnie Anderson of teachers at Baview Glen Public School and even though I didn't know what sex (or anything) was, I knew I dug her like crazy and I knew she exuded something I liked. To this day my mom laughs about it because she'd spoken to Mrs. Dolman (think parent-teacher night or whatever) and it was clear that I was, in some bizarre way, flirting with her and generally sweet on her.
Mostly it was hanging out with older people and doing what they did. That and the booze.
Salome: Is there a difference between the ideal woman to just hook up with and one you would like to have a long-term relationship with? Would you ever consider marriage?
Joe Mama: If we're just hooking up, then I probably don't care about who you are. I care about having sex with you, and I want you to have a good time and tell your friends and everything, but I don't give a shit how you voted or what your views on religion are or if you prefer joints to bowls or any of the important shit. I just don't care. You can hook up with annoying chicks, but you sure as hell shouldn't marry one, you know? Example: I'd tag a homophobic, anti-drug, anti-abortion Jesus freak if she was a hot slice, but I sure as shit wouldn't hang out with her or anything.
Salome: How would you know if a woman was a "homphobic, anti-drug, anti-abortion, Jesus freak"? Would this stuff ever come up in conversation before you hooked up?
Joe Mama: Probably not. I wouldn’t know, hence the “no biggie” if those are her views and we’re about to have a one-nighter. I mean, you’re at a bar, it’s 1:00, you’re intoxicated and you’ve got an hour ‘til last call and you’re chatting up a woman you’ve just met. As I said, I’ll hit it even if it’s the racist god-hates-fags twins or whatever, but I’m not hanging out with them or anything.
Salome: You once said in a post that in terms of being cheated on, "I don't think I've been cheated on. What I don't know, I don't care." How would you react to being cheated on if you knew about it?
Joe Mama: Dunno. I suppose I'd either leave her (If I chose this I probably wanted to anyhow so here is my perfect exit strategy) or forgive her or tell her I'm going out for a week, the bank account will be around $4,000 lighter when I get back but at least she'll be forgiven and we can move on.
I'll have to cross this bridge when I get to it.
Salome: I get mixed signals about how you feel about monogamy. I feel like, probably like a lot of guys, it's a little sexually boring for you. On the other hand, a few things you have said make me think you generally think it's the right thing to do. But tell me how you really feel about it?
Joe Mama: Depends on my mood, mostly. Being in a long-term relationship sucks for a lot of reasons. The sex gets a little stale, or at least nothing like it used to be. The mundane bullshit become the majority of your communication. "How was your day? Fine. How was yours? Fine. Whatcha wanna do for dinner? Dunno, you? Dunno. Wanna order something? Well, I'm too bagged to cook, so ya. Any idea what? No, don't care. What's on TV tonight?" Ugh.
Kinda like having a BFF who you get to have sex.
The upside is obviously the security, stability, and companionship. All that good shit. That starts to mean something once you're older I suppose. Lord knows I didn't give a rat's ass about that shit a decade ago.
You know the deal - when you're in a relationship you wish you were single. When you're single you wish you had a partner. Ultimately, I can acknowledge that I'm pretty self-destructive so having someone to keep me from doing stupid shit outweighs the crushing tedium of monogamy.
Fuck George Michael. Sex is best when it's six on one. Dumbass bathroom loitering fuckstick.
Salome: Do you speak French?
Joe Mama: Non. I detest the language like it's H5N1.
Salome: A while back you said that if you could sleep with any woman living or dead, you would pick Jessica Simpson. Who's the latest woman at the top of your list?
Joe Mama: Don't know. The whole "pick one" thing is one-hand-clapping impossible. There are literally tens and tens of thousands of really sexy women on this planet. I still think Jessica Simpson is a fox, and yes, she'd be way up there, but so would literally a thousand women. I'll tell you what -- you give me 3 names and I'll break 'em down. But you can't just give me the globe and say "pick somebody" because I'm sure there is an 11 somewhere in South America that I don't know about.
Salome: OK, then: Ashwariya Rai,Kristanna Loken, and Alessandra Ambrosio.
Joe Mama: Ashwariya Rai. Mostly because I’ve never been with someone of her ethnicity and I’ve been seeing so many beautiful Indian/Pakistani/Egyptian/etc women around lately I’ve got a lil’ bit of a fetish thing going on. Oddly enough they never seem to get in to the stripper vocation. Guess they have those strong family values or whatever. I do know this – the day I see a seriously hot Indian chick sliding down a pole I’m going to declare bankruptcy shortly thereafter.
Salome: What's the wildest thing you have ever done? This doesn't have to be sex, but it can be, certainly.
Joe Mama: Whoa. Tough one. Most of it is so over the top immoral I'm going to pass on this. Safe bet I was really, really, really high at the time.
Salome: Are your parents Canadian? They were both in Ann Arbor at some point, no?
Joe Mama: My dad is Canadian and he met my mom at UM where he was getting his Masters. My mom was born and raised in AA (went to Pioneer) and her dad worked for the hospital. She went to UM for her undergrad, and then Northwestern for her Masters, and finally Minnesota for her PhD - my dad had received his from UM at this point and took a job at Minnesota. After that, he had offers from USC and York University in Toronto. He chose York so they moved here. I still give him shit for that. WTF kind of decision is that?
Salome: In a post about bad sex, you said, "I've had all kinds of awful hummers. The kind where you stop them and ask "How about if I just rub one out in your yap?" " As a woman, this makes me very curious. I don't really understand how it could be that bad. Can you give me a little more info? Because you know, it is really sometimes hard to know if you are doing the right thing. Like what? Biting you or... having no rhythm. What exactly could be so bad?
Joe Mama: Teeth are the cock’s natural enemy. Molars can be a real bitch. Too erratic is also a clusterfuck that’s going to lead to 30 minutes of frustration. And the opposite of that can be true as well – a robotic hummer - metronome head or something. Sometimes it’s just way easier to handle your own business with some help, you know?
Salome: Now let's say you are with a really hot girl and she just doesn't have the faintest idea how to give a hummer, but she's willing to learn. Would you be willing to give her a lesson, or would that take all the joy out of it?
Joe Mama: If she’s hot enough, I’ll teach her simple arithmetic or how to read or whatever she wants. There is a direct correlation between the relative hotness of a woman and the lousy head I’m willing to take.
Salome: What experiences, life experiences--I don't mean necessarily mean sexual experiences here-- have you not had that you want to have?
Joe Mama: A million. Almost all involve either travel or sex. Or both. I don’t give a crap about skydiving or completing a marathon or any of that shit. I don’t give a crap about bringing a little human into this world or anything like that. Give me a four-hour stroll through Villa Borghese before I head back to my hotel at the top of the Spanish Steps where 3 Eurohotties await.
Salome: There's a general consensus amongst the members of your fan club--i.e. the people who get emails of your posts on a regular basis--that you should either write or do stand up. Are either of these things that you would want to pursue?
Joe Mama: Any ship like that sailed years ago.
Salome: What do you think the meaning of life is?
Joe Mama: No clue at all but it now seems to me that it is pretty damn short, so at a minimum, one should not be a giant uptight douchebag ‘til the day one dies.
Salome: Which would you rather have: happiness or a lot of money? (Let's say they are mutually exclusive.)
Joe Mama: I guess happiness.
Salome: You get hold of Alladin's lamp. You rub it and out pops a genie who says, "You know the spiel, dude. Three wishes. Anything you want. What'll it be?" So...?
Joe Mama: 1. A ridiculous sum of money
2. My youth – make me 20 again!
3. A 12-inch pianist. It would just be awesome to walk in to a bar with an actual 12-inch pianist.
Runners up (in no particular order): Lloyd Carr retiring, Jessica Simpson locked in my closet, Ashleee Simpson getting struck by lightening, 2 more inches, UM winning 3-straight NC’s, muscles.
_________________________________________
So ended my interview with a famed Victard. I think I like this guy.
Salome: What's an evening like at your house, a typical evening?
Joe Mama: Boring as shit. Embarrassingly boring. Pathetically "OMG I'm becoming my dad!" boring. I'm 32 and basically married. I get home, get high, watch the news, eat, maybe watch some TV, maybe read something, and maybe fuck around on the computer. I've really done a terrific job of bailing on my social life the last couple years. Sad.
Salome: You have a girlfriend who you refer to as Mrs. Mama on the board. How long have you been together?
Joe Mama: I’ve been with her for 5 years.
Salome: How did you propose to her?
Joe Mama: Not very well. No great story or anything.
Salome: What's your favorite food--besides bacon?
Joe Mama: Whatever I eat, it has to have meat somewhere on the plate. That's not even an option. My favorite things to eat are served in restaurants I can't afford but go to anyway.
Salome: Do you cook?
Joe Mama: Yes. I like cooking, although I typically only do on weekends. Did the Spaghetti Carbonara last night btw – killer.
Salome: You've described a number of sexual experiences you had as a teenager. This doesn't seem typical. Tell me about how this happened. Describe your life between the ages of say, 12 and 17. What took you down this path?
Joe Mama: I don't know how it happened. I was always in to sex and girls before my friends. I was always curious. I had weird -- very weird -- experiences as early as kindergarten and even though I had no idea what sex was, there was something just magnetic about girls for as long as I can remember.
As well, I always gravitated towards older kids. I was always the "young" kid amongst my buddies (a rotating cast of retreds and mutants) so when they were necking and feeling their first tit (over the bra, under the shirt if they were lucky) so was I even though they were 14 and I was 11 and I was with 14 year old girls who did things 11 year old girls didn't.
And I've just always dug chicks. When I was 6, I had Mrs. Dolman as a teacher in the first grade and I'd flirt with her like mad. She was the Lonnie Anderson of teachers at Baview Glen Public School and even though I didn't know what sex (or anything) was, I knew I dug her like crazy and I knew she exuded something I liked. To this day my mom laughs about it because she'd spoken to Mrs. Dolman (think parent-teacher night or whatever) and it was clear that I was, in some bizarre way, flirting with her and generally sweet on her.
Mostly it was hanging out with older people and doing what they did. That and the booze.
Salome: Is there a difference between the ideal woman to just hook up with and one you would like to have a long-term relationship with? Would you ever consider marriage?
Joe Mama: If we're just hooking up, then I probably don't care about who you are. I care about having sex with you, and I want you to have a good time and tell your friends and everything, but I don't give a shit how you voted or what your views on religion are or if you prefer joints to bowls or any of the important shit. I just don't care. You can hook up with annoying chicks, but you sure as hell shouldn't marry one, you know? Example: I'd tag a homophobic, anti-drug, anti-abortion Jesus freak if she was a hot slice, but I sure as shit wouldn't hang out with her or anything.
Salome: How would you know if a woman was a "homphobic, anti-drug, anti-abortion, Jesus freak"? Would this stuff ever come up in conversation before you hooked up?
Joe Mama: Probably not. I wouldn’t know, hence the “no biggie” if those are her views and we’re about to have a one-nighter. I mean, you’re at a bar, it’s 1:00, you’re intoxicated and you’ve got an hour ‘til last call and you’re chatting up a woman you’ve just met. As I said, I’ll hit it even if it’s the racist god-hates-fags twins or whatever, but I’m not hanging out with them or anything.
Salome: You once said in a post that in terms of being cheated on, "I don't think I've been cheated on. What I don't know, I don't care." How would you react to being cheated on if you knew about it?
Joe Mama: Dunno. I suppose I'd either leave her (If I chose this I probably wanted to anyhow so here is my perfect exit strategy) or forgive her or tell her I'm going out for a week, the bank account will be around $4,000 lighter when I get back but at least she'll be forgiven and we can move on.
I'll have to cross this bridge when I get to it.
Salome: I get mixed signals about how you feel about monogamy. I feel like, probably like a lot of guys, it's a little sexually boring for you. On the other hand, a few things you have said make me think you generally think it's the right thing to do. But tell me how you really feel about it?
Joe Mama: Depends on my mood, mostly. Being in a long-term relationship sucks for a lot of reasons. The sex gets a little stale, or at least nothing like it used to be. The mundane bullshit become the majority of your communication. "How was your day? Fine. How was yours? Fine. Whatcha wanna do for dinner? Dunno, you? Dunno. Wanna order something? Well, I'm too bagged to cook, so ya. Any idea what? No, don't care. What's on TV tonight?" Ugh.
Kinda like having a BFF who you get to have sex.
The upside is obviously the security, stability, and companionship. All that good shit. That starts to mean something once you're older I suppose. Lord knows I didn't give a rat's ass about that shit a decade ago.
You know the deal - when you're in a relationship you wish you were single. When you're single you wish you had a partner. Ultimately, I can acknowledge that I'm pretty self-destructive so having someone to keep me from doing stupid shit outweighs the crushing tedium of monogamy.
Fuck George Michael. Sex is best when it's six on one. Dumbass bathroom loitering fuckstick.
Salome: Do you speak French?
Joe Mama: Non. I detest the language like it's H5N1.
Salome: A while back you said that if you could sleep with any woman living or dead, you would pick Jessica Simpson. Who's the latest woman at the top of your list?
Joe Mama: Don't know. The whole "pick one" thing is one-hand-clapping impossible. There are literally tens and tens of thousands of really sexy women on this planet. I still think Jessica Simpson is a fox, and yes, she'd be way up there, but so would literally a thousand women. I'll tell you what -- you give me 3 names and I'll break 'em down. But you can't just give me the globe and say "pick somebody" because I'm sure there is an 11 somewhere in South America that I don't know about.
Salome: OK, then: Ashwariya Rai,Kristanna Loken, and Alessandra Ambrosio.
Joe Mama: Ashwariya Rai. Mostly because I’ve never been with someone of her ethnicity and I’ve been seeing so many beautiful Indian/Pakistani/Egyptian/etc women around lately I’ve got a lil’ bit of a fetish thing going on. Oddly enough they never seem to get in to the stripper vocation. Guess they have those strong family values or whatever. I do know this – the day I see a seriously hot Indian chick sliding down a pole I’m going to declare bankruptcy shortly thereafter.
Salome: What's the wildest thing you have ever done? This doesn't have to be sex, but it can be, certainly.
Joe Mama: Whoa. Tough one. Most of it is so over the top immoral I'm going to pass on this. Safe bet I was really, really, really high at the time.
Salome: Are your parents Canadian? They were both in Ann Arbor at some point, no?
Joe Mama: My dad is Canadian and he met my mom at UM where he was getting his Masters. My mom was born and raised in AA (went to Pioneer) and her dad worked for the hospital. She went to UM for her undergrad, and then Northwestern for her Masters, and finally Minnesota for her PhD - my dad had received his from UM at this point and took a job at Minnesota. After that, he had offers from USC and York University in Toronto. He chose York so they moved here. I still give him shit for that. WTF kind of decision is that?
Salome: In a post about bad sex, you said, "I've had all kinds of awful hummers. The kind where you stop them and ask "How about if I just rub one out in your yap?" " As a woman, this makes me very curious. I don't really understand how it could be that bad. Can you give me a little more info? Because you know, it is really sometimes hard to know if you are doing the right thing. Like what? Biting you or... having no rhythm. What exactly could be so bad?
Joe Mama: Teeth are the cock’s natural enemy. Molars can be a real bitch. Too erratic is also a clusterfuck that’s going to lead to 30 minutes of frustration. And the opposite of that can be true as well – a robotic hummer - metronome head or something. Sometimes it’s just way easier to handle your own business with some help, you know?
Salome: Now let's say you are with a really hot girl and she just doesn't have the faintest idea how to give a hummer, but she's willing to learn. Would you be willing to give her a lesson, or would that take all the joy out of it?
Joe Mama: If she’s hot enough, I’ll teach her simple arithmetic or how to read or whatever she wants. There is a direct correlation between the relative hotness of a woman and the lousy head I’m willing to take.
Salome: What experiences, life experiences--I don't mean necessarily mean sexual experiences here-- have you not had that you want to have?
Joe Mama: A million. Almost all involve either travel or sex. Or both. I don’t give a crap about skydiving or completing a marathon or any of that shit. I don’t give a crap about bringing a little human into this world or anything like that. Give me a four-hour stroll through Villa Borghese before I head back to my hotel at the top of the Spanish Steps where 3 Eurohotties await.
Salome: There's a general consensus amongst the members of your fan club--i.e. the people who get emails of your posts on a regular basis--that you should either write or do stand up. Are either of these things that you would want to pursue?
Joe Mama: Any ship like that sailed years ago.
Salome: What do you think the meaning of life is?
Joe Mama: No clue at all but it now seems to me that it is pretty damn short, so at a minimum, one should not be a giant uptight douchebag ‘til the day one dies.
Salome: Which would you rather have: happiness or a lot of money? (Let's say they are mutually exclusive.)
Joe Mama: I guess happiness.
Salome: You get hold of Alladin's lamp. You rub it and out pops a genie who says, "You know the spiel, dude. Three wishes. Anything you want. What'll it be?" So...?
Joe Mama: 1. A ridiculous sum of money
2. My youth – make me 20 again!
3. A 12-inch pianist. It would just be awesome to walk in to a bar with an actual 12-inch pianist.
Runners up (in no particular order): Lloyd Carr retiring, Jessica Simpson locked in my closet, Ashleee Simpson getting struck by lightening, 2 more inches, UM winning 3-straight NC’s, muscles.
_________________________________________
So ended my interview with a famed Victard. I think I like this guy.
posted by Salomé at 8:42 AM
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