Gifting Strategy for Spouses

By Counter, the pre-eminent authority on relationships, both real and ex post facto:

Here goes:
Posted on December 20, 2007 at 09:46:21 AM by Counter

I'm glad you asked! I'm an expert on relationships from dating to
courting to engagement to marriage to annoyance to hatred to brief
reconciliation to divorce to ex-sex. Here's what you do:

1. Ransack the house and find the gift she got you. Determine exactly how much it cost her. Put it back carefully.

2. Buy yourself something that costs roughly 3 times the amount that she spent. This is important: You have to make it something practical that you want, but also that you needed. It can't be a frivolous gift. Hide this gift well.

3. Buy her something that costs half what she spent on your gift. This is important: It has to be over-the-top thoughtful. It has to be instantly recognizable as something that you would only get her if you had been paying careful attention and focused on her every word. Her first reaction must be "Wow. He was listening after all."

4. On Christmas Eve wrap the gift that you got yourself and hide it
way in back behind the tree. It needs to be the last present opened.

5. On Christmas morning, make sure you open her gift to you first (you already know what it is, so fake surprise.) Say that you love it and that it was very thoughtful (although hopefully it wasn't.)

6. Give her her gift from you. Note the initial excitement as she
recognizes that it is such a thoughtful gift.

7. This is the big payoff: Revel in that moment when you see that she is doing the mental price comparison and notes that youor
extra-thoughtful gift cost half that of the one she got you. Rejoice in knowing tht she has to stifle those thoughts and the urge to mention it because if she does, she'll explicitly reveal that she did the calculation and that the $$ spent means more than the relative thoughtfulness of the gifts. Accept her thanks, knowing it's driving her fucking crazy.

8. When all the other presents are opened, get the one you got
yourself. Read the card, which says "To Craig, from Santa." Open it
and exclaim how great it is, that you needed it, and that it was very thoughtful of Santa to think of you. Pretend not to know where it came from.

9. Later, when it's just the two of you, mutter softly under your
breath: "who has the upper hand now?" When she asks you "what" say "I was just thinking about how much I liked your gift. Thanks."

10. Bask in your newfound household supremacy.
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